


love me once (love me twice)

by forbiddenquill



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Heartbreak, Love Triangle, Mentions of Danhyo, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, This is going to be a long and painful journey, disbandment au, post-disbandment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-29
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:50:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21605578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forbiddenquill/pseuds/forbiddenquill
Summary: TWICE Disbandment AU:It's been three years since their contract ended, three years since they last shared the stage, three years since all nine members of South Korea's top girl group got together in the same place.But their feelings haven't changed.One member has a plan.(ON HIATUS)
Comments: 53
Kudos: 476





	1. apart

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be painful.
> 
> Ships will be gradually updated :)
> 
> Before you read, please check out these character profiles! 
> 
> https://twitter.com/miabasher4lyf/status/1198825877196410880  
https://twitter.com/miabasher4lyf/status/1199156540583886848

**July 7, 2025**

The first thing Nayeon sees when she wakes up is Jihyo’s name flashing on her phone screen, calling her at 6:58 AM in the morning and acting like some kind of alarm on the only rest day she’s gotten in _weeks_. She groans, flipping on the other side of the bed and pointedly ignoring the call. Jihyo can wait—just give her a few more hours of sleep. The younger girl should know better than to disturb her so early.

Unfortunately, the calls continue to persist and Nayeon sighs into her pillow, knowing how annoyingly stubborn Jihyo is. She flips on her back, kicks the blankets away and answers the call.

“What could you _possibly _be calling about at seven in the morning on one of my beloved rest days?” Nayeon whines. 

“Well, good morning to you too, unnie," Jihyo greets dryly.

“I will murder you.” 

“_Please_, you love me too much.”

“Not at seven o’clock in the morning!” Nayeon rubs at the bridge of her nose, exhaling another deep sigh. “Okay, fine, whatever. What do you want?” 

There’s silence on the other end. 

“Jihyo-yah, I swear to God—” 

“Do you know what today is?” 

Nayeon pauses, her stomach rolling. Of course she knows what today is. It might’ve been years already but you don’t forget the day your life changed forever. She slowly sits up on her bed, running her fingers through her hair. It was stupid of her to think that Jihyo would forget too. 

“Yeah,” she says, clearing her throat, "I know."

“You should check the news—we’re trending all over. There's even a hashtag: TenYearsWithTwice."

Nayeon snorts. She doesn’t recall a time when they weren’t trending. For years, every move they made was picked up on by Dispatch and plastered all over the internet. Like Tzuyu’s flag incident, Mina’s hiatus, Jihyo’s relationship with Kang Daniel and the many dating scandals that Nayeon’s name has been slandered with. Even after their contract ended and they went their separate ways, she still sees news related to her old members. That’s what happens when you’re part of the nation’s top girl group, after all. 

Well, _used to_ be part of.

Sometimes, it feels like Dispatch is more updated with the rest of the girls than she is.

(She pushes this thought away.)

“I saw a few pictures and posts from fans,” Jihyo tells her and Nayeon can imagine the soft, sad smile on her face, “Throwback stuff, you know? We were such kids back then.”

Nayeon bites her lip. She hardly feels like a kid anymore. Every time she opens her social media accounts, she sees comments of when she’s going to get married soon or if she’s really dating this said actor or this said idol. It’s not like she hasn’t gone on a few dates every now and then. But with the world constantly reminding you that you’re no longer as young as you used to be, she can’t help but feel like she’s pressured to do something she has always looked forward to ever since she was just a little girl.

“You’re still a kid, Jihyo-yah,” she remarks, “An annoying and hyperactive kid who calls at seven in the morning just to talk to me about what happened ten years ago. Is that all? Can I please—”

“Do you want to meet up?” Jihyo interrupts tentatively, “I’ve got some free time today.”

Nayeon doesn’t hesitate. Even though she wants to kill Jihyo for waking her up so early, she knows she can’t say no to her. “Sure, lunch?” 

“Yeah. Same place?” 

“Okay.” Nayeon shifts, her heart dropping to her stomach. “Just the two of us?”

She can hear the bitter smile in Jihyo’s voice when she says, “As always.”

“I can practically hear you buzzing with excitement.”

“Nayeon-unnie,” Jihyo says exasperatedly, “you know I’ll always be happy to see you, right?” 

“Hmmm. I smell bullshit.” Nayeon laughs to let Jihyo know she’s only kidding. 

Jihyo is one of the few people Nayeon still keeps in touch with over the years. They talk to each other on the phone every few days and sometimes meet up once a month. On more than one occasion, Nayeon has the urge to call up Momo or Tzuyu and the three of them hang out in some high-end restaurant to catch up. The others—she hasn’t really gotten a clue about. She forces herself not to think about this. 

"But did you seriously have to wake me up so early just for this?" Nayeon whines, rubbing at her eyes, "I was literally in Vietnam yesterday." 

"I was also late up all night composing a new song," Jihyo reminds her, "You're not special, unnie."

"But you make me feel special," Nayeon sings, laughing. She ignores the nostalgia in her heart.

Thankfully, Jihyo laughs.

They talk for a bit, exchanging snippets of their work life. Nayeon ends the call after they finalize the time they’ll be meeting up. She stares at her reflection on the phone screen. She notices a few lines around her eyes and reaches up to trace them with the tips of her fingertips. Then she lets out another deep breath and slips out of bed. She doesn’t feel so sleepy anymore. 

Ten years have passed since TWICE was formed back in _SIXTEEN_. Nayeon remembers that day vividly. All the hard work, tears and effort she shed during her five years in training was finally enough to land her a spot in a girl group that hopefully wouldn’t fall apart. It was one of the most traumatizing experiences of her life and to be strongly reminded of it now gives her mixed feelings. She’s grateful, of course, but at the same time, she doesn’t want to go through it again. She remembers crying on Jeongyeon’s shoulder that day and wonders how the other girl is doing.

It’s been awhile since they talked. Maybe a couple of weeks leading up to months. Nayeon can always call but doesn’t. Even though she’s had three years to get used to it, she still can’t wrap her mind around the idea that Jeongyeon or Jihyo isn’t a room away. The thought stings more than she lets on and she has forcibly shove it from her mind before past emotions get in the way. She doesn’t want to get angry at Jeongyeon all over again, not after countless interventions.

It’s been three years, after all. 

As she readies herself for the day and leaves her phone on the kitchen counter, three messages pop up. However, they quickly get buried half an hour later with schedule reminders and notifications from Nayeon’s managers. When Nayeon comes back to check her phone, she doesn’t scroll back far enough to see what she could’ve missed. Besides, she always has a million unread messages anyway. It’s nothing new.

* * *

**To: Im Nayeon and seven others**

Its been 10 yrs since sixteen!!!

**Delivered at 7:34 AM**

**To: Im Nayeon and seven others **

happy 10th anniversary guys :)

**Delivered at 7:36 AM**

**To: Im Nayeon and seven others**

I miss u all 

**Delivered at 7:40 AM**

Dahyun puts her phone down, trying not to feel disappointed when she doesn’t get an immediate reply. Still, it’s understandable. The rest of the girls are busy with their lives, after all. Nayeon and Jihyo are busy being South Korea’s It Girls, Jeongyeon is probably sleeping in, Momo should be exercising around this time, Sana and Mina are in Japan so maybe there’s something wrong with the signal, Chaeyoung is literally a different timezone away and Tzuyu is… huh, Tzuyu always replies fast. 

Several minutes later, her phone vibrates. Dahyun picks it up and sees a message from Tzuyu:

**From: Chou Tzuyu**

I miss you too unnie!!!

**Read at 7:54 AM**

**From: Chou Tzuyu**

I wish we could all meet up again 😔

**Read at 7:55 AM**

**To: Chou Tzuyu **

maybe in the near future :))) 

**Delivered at 7:57 AM**

Dahyun pockets her phone and looks at the world outside the coffee shop she frequents on a regular basis. Everybody seems to be getting on with their lives, moving through the motions and knowing what they want to do. Even though Dahyun has a packed schedule, she can’t help but feel like she’s at a standstill. Not just physically but metaphorically, you know? She’s wearing a black cap, white mask and a loose white jacket. Her hood is up in the hopes that nobody will recognize that she’s sitting in front of her apartment. The last time people found out where she lived, it was a field day for Dispatch and fan sites everywhere. Dahyun had to crash at Jeongyeon’s place in Gwangju and wait for everything to die down. 

She thinks about the past ten years of her life and her heart clenches at the memories that pass through her mind’s eye. It’s always been about TWICE, even when it wasn’t. A part of her wishes she tried harder to stay connected with all of them, despite knowing that this was going to happen one way or another. 

Sometimes, you just lose touch with the people you love.

It’s not that surprising, really. Nayeon and Jihyo’s solo careers skyrocketed after the group disbanded. Jeongyeon and Mina just wanted to settle down and avoid the spotlight for the first time since they debuted. Momo dived back into dancing. Sana, after a few months, decided to go back home. Tzuyu started a modelling career. Chaeyoung’s desire to learn more about the world out there left Dahyun reeling when she announced that she was moving to Europe. 

The past three years have been especially tough. 

Dahyun checks her messages again. Still no reply from the others. She sighs. 

“Excuse me?”

She turns and finds a young girl, about the age of twenty, looking at her with wide, curious eyes. Dahyun raises her eyebrows. “Yes?” 

“Are you TWICE’s Dahyun?”

Dahyun glances around, now regretting that she didn’t bring her manager along, but the girl quickly shakes her head. “Ah, don’t worry!” she says, smiling at her reassuringly, “I won’t tell anybody that you’re here. It’s just—I kind of recognized you from afar—” She breaks off, apparently realizing just how creepy and stalkerish that sounded but Dahyun just smiles at her.

“It’s okay,” she says when she realizes that the girl can’t actually see her smiling, “I get what you mean.”

The girl sheepishly pulls out something from her bag. It’s a photocard of TWICE—back in their _Dance The Night Away_ days. Dahyun’s heart aches at the sight of it. They look so young...

“Would you mind giving me an autograph, unnie?” the girl asks, bowing her head, “I promise I won’t tell the press you’re here—”

“I know that you won’t,” Dahyun says cheekily, “I have a feeling you can be trusted.”

Dahyun signs the photocard but the young girl suddenly yelps and grabs her phone from her pocket. She takes out the phone case and pulls out the photo from the back. This time, Dahyun lets out a laugh, recognizing the picture anywhere.

“This was my favorite costume of you,” the girl tells her, “You looked so funny!”

Dahyun beams at the picture of her genie outfit, remembering the amount of blue paint the managers had to buy just to complete the entire look. “It was mine too,” she shares but for completely different reasons. TWICE’s fourth anniversary holds a very special place in her heart—it was when Mina came back to them, after all.

* * *

Mina sighs when she hears the familiar pattern of Sana’s knocking on her apartment door. She expected this. It’s the tenth year since SIXTEEN ended, so of course Sana would go searching for her. It’s always been like that for the other girl—every single time anything TWICE related happens, she’ll seek Mina out. 

Mina should be grateful. A part of her always will be. When Sana first moved back home a couple months after their disbandment, they stuck to each other like glue. Thanks to Sana’s persistent nature, she stopped feeling sorry for herself and started doing the things she used to do—ballet, video games, movies, swimming and more. Now she’s learning how to code to hopefully develop her own game. It’s a work in progress. She has time.

“_Mitaaangggg_,” Sana says on the other side of the door, “I know you’re in there! I saw that your window was open while I was outside. You never leave your window open if you’re not home!” 

“Oh my God,” Mina mumbles under her breath. She twists around in her gaming chair, rises to her feet and walks over to the front door. She peeks through the eye-hole. The last time she let Sana in without checking what she could possibly be bringing, Mina was left with several Kakao merch she had to anonymously give away to her remaining fan site. 

Outside her door, Sana is impatiently pacing back and forth and chewing on her thumb. The couple ring she and Momo got from their Hawaii trip glints under the light. She never takes it off. A fact that Mina can’t help pondering on so many times over the past few years. 

“Are you going to drag me somewhere?” Mina asks, keeping her door locked.

“Of course! We’re going out for lunch.”

“I was unaware that we made plans.” 

“Mitang, you know I _always _have plans,” Sana says in a singsong voice, now grinning broadly at the eye-hole because she knows Mina is watching her. 

Mina purses her lips, thinking about how she was going to spend the entire day cooped up in her apartment. It’s what she usually does when important anniversaries or birthdays from her old members come and go. Not because she doesn’t want to care but because people always look for her whenever it happens. Whether it's the news outlets, fan sites or even Sana herself. 

She should’ve shut the window. 

Sana knocks on the door again. More persistently this time. “_Mitanggg_,” the older girl calls again, “Please let me in?” 

“I know what you’re doing,” Mina mutters, looking away from the eye-hole, “and no, I will not go anywhere with you.”

“You’ve said that a million times but you and I both know you never mean it,” Sana says, her voice muffled. It sounds like she’s leaning on the door with her mouth pressed against the wooden frame. Gross. “Please? I promise we’ll wear our disguises.” 

The idea of going out in the streets of Tokyo still sets Mina on edge. Even though it’s been years since she last had a severe anxiety attack, the thought of showing her face to the world, especially after shutting herself out for so long, is enough to get her heart racing. She takes a deep breath. Sana means well—she knows that this is her way of making sure Mina is okay. Nothing good can come out of Mina always being inside her apartment. 

“Sana-chan…” Mina mumbles, trying to think of an excuse.

“Please?” Sana asks again, “You’re like my only friend here in Tokyo.”

“Liar. You have plenty of friends.”

Mina can imagine Sana rolling her eyes. “You know what I mean,” the older girl says, with a hint of bitterness that anybody else wouldn’t have been able to pick up on. Mina stays quiet, knowing _exactly _what Sana means. 

“Fine,” Mina wryly says, “Give me a minute.” 

Sana is quiet for a few seconds. Then, her voice goes all soft when she says, “Thank you, Mitang. I just—I didn’t want to be alone today.”

Mina pauses, heart in her throat.

It’s been three years but for some reason, there are days where Mina feels like the wound is still fresh. She thinks of South Korea, of her former members, of _her_, and forces herself not to. Remembering what happened in the past won’t do her any good. There’s a reason why it’s in the past in the first place. Blinking the impending tears from her eyes, she unlocks the door to her apartment and sees Sana looking at her, gentle smile on her face. 

“Hey, you,” Sana greets cheekily, wrapping Mina up in a hug.

Mina melts into the embrace, closing her eyes. “Hi,” she whispers against Sana’s neck, “Happy anniversary.” She thinks of ten years ago—when she hugged the other girl just as tightly and desperately, right after Momo was announced as the ninth member of TWICE.

* * *

**To: ChouTzu ** **🐶**

Tzuyu im here 

**Delivered at 11:12 AM **

**From: ChouTzu ** **🐶**

On my way! The traffic downtown is terrible.

**Read at 11:15 PM**

**From: ChouTzu ** **🐶**

You can order ahead for me! You already know what I want anyway 😊

**Read at 11:16 PM**

Momo pockets her phone when the waiter drops by her table, asking if she’s ready to order. They’ve been here so many times that the words are already on the tip of her tongue. The Jokbal special paired with Samgyeopsal and cheese kimbap. She ignores the stab of nostalgia at the back of her throat as a memory resurfaces. 

She's currently at one of the top restaurants here in Incheon, facing a magnificent view of the city below her feet from the 12th floor of the Northeast Asia Trade Tower. She picked the centermost table because the high vantage point is enough to get her knees weak. Tzuyu loves the view, though, and constantly tells her just how much it reminds of her the walkway back in Switzerland all those years ago. Momo can't relate, remembering how she stayed at the top and refused to go down. 

The reason why she and Tzuyu frequent this place so often is because you needed to make a reservation weeks before. It offers privacy for people living the aftermath of idol life. Once or twice, Momo has spotted several famous people, like Lee Jong Suk or Chungha, dining here on more than one occasion. 

When Tzuyu realized their tenth anniversary was coming up, she immediately booked a reservation months before. Now Momo is here, wearing an expensive black pantsuit, dark bangs covering her eyes and lips colored in red. She sits, arms crossed and one leg over the other, and waits. 

A few minutes later, Tzuyu shows up, looking windswept but beautiful at the same time. Momo rises when she sees her, smiling brightly. It's been a few weeks since they last saw each other in person. 

"Unnie," Tzuyu greets, letting herself be engulfed in a hug, "I've missed you!" 

"Same here, Tzu." After gazing at each other for a good minute, they resume their places. Tzuyu is wearing a long padded coat over her clothes and Momo can’t help but remember the first time she came to South Korea wearing a similar outfit. Back then, Tzuyu looked like a lost puppy stuck in a foreign country, waiting for her mom to pick her up. But now, things are different. Tzuyu exudes the confidence she carefully and diligently built over the years. Momo can’t help but feel proud.

(She can’t help but feel like things are moving too fast.) 

“Did you wait long?” Tzuyu asks. She’s gotten more fluent in Korean. 

“Not really,” Momo answers.

“Good.” Tzuyu puts away her phone but then pauses. “Ah. Did you get Dahyun’s text earlier?”

Momo winces, remembering it. She didn’t respond, not because she didn’t want to, but because she was in the middle of her workout. She just forgot to reply. 

“Yeah,” she answers, forcing a smile.

“It was nice of her to greet us like that. Do you think we’ll ever get back together?” Tzuyu asks, voice low and quiet. She brings up this question every single time she and Momo meet up. 

And Momo answers the same way each time as well, “I hope so.” 

It’s painfully obvious to Momo that out of everybody in their group, Tzuyu was the one who took disbanding the hardest. Momo isn’t sure what went down behind closed doors but when Chaeyoung left for Europe, Tzuyu flew back to Taiwan and didn’t return for several months. Then, before everybody knew it, she was back and suddenly pursuing a modelling career.

When asked why she didn’t go for being a solo idol, Tzuyu just shrugged and said, “I don’t think it’s for me.”

Momo thinks about where everybody else is. Normally, she tries not to think about them too much. There’s only so much sadness and longing you can take before it starts to really get under your skin. When Momo made the decision to stay in South Korea, she also made the decision to be grateful for everything she’s been through and to always remain positive.

Everybody was offered the chance to either go solo or form a subunit. 

Nayeon didn’t go solo but also didn’t stray far from the cameras. Even though everybody knew she could dominate the entire entertainment industry if she performed as a solo artist, she didn’t go for it. Momo didn’t really understand the reasoning behind this decision but she trusted that Nayeon knew what was the best for her.

Jeongyeon, on the other hand, decided that she was through being an idol and craved a normal and mundane life. Momo still sees her on the news sometimes, visiting animal shelters and opening up her string of bakeries all over Seoul. Last she heard, Jeongyeon had moved away to Gwangju several months ago. They haven’t talked since.

Jihyo is the only out of their group to continue doing music. She built her own company from scratch with the help of her ex-boyfriend Kang Daniel. When they broke up, Jihyo wrote a powerful ballad that brought Momo to tears the first time she heard it. Jihyo was always a beast when it came to her vocals but when Momo watched a video of her voice cracking in the middle of a live performance, it tore her up inside.

Dahyun now has her own variety show called ‘Keeping Up With Kim Dubu.’ Momo managed to watch the first episode when it aired. It was a hit with the public. When she has the time, she settles in front of the couch and listens to her former member crack jokes and do several renditions of The Whisper Challenge with other idol groups. 

The other half of MoChaeng TV, Chaeyoung, shocked everybody when she suddenly posted a picture of her one-way ticket to Europe on her personal Instagram account. She was trending for an entire day during that time. Momo remembers Tzuyu calling her up later that night and asking her if Chaeyoung told anybody that she was leaving. Momo didn’t have an answer.

Sana and Mina went back to Japan. Momo doesn’t want to think about that. 

“Did you catch Jeongyeon in Dubu’s show?” Tzuyu asks, eyes sparkling at the reminder of her members.

Momo smiles, shakes her head. Sometimes, she thinks Tzuyu’s the only one who’s updated with the other girls. “I didn’t,” she says, “but I’ll watch it later when I get home.” 

* * *

Jeongyeon picks at her nails, frowning when she realizes the red color she picked out is starting to fade. She’s been trying new things recently. A new shade here and then. Something other than iced Americano in the mornings. Playing the guitar, even though she forgets what she learned by next week. It’s the beauty of having a normal life. Well, as normal as it can get after disbandment. 

She’s waiting for Seungyeon to finish up her doctor’s appointment. The news of her sister’s possible pregnancy hasn’t broken out yet and she’s not even _completely _sure about it. Still, the thought is enough to keep both of them anxious. Because of the nature of her husband’s job, Seungyeon often asks Jeongyeon to drive her to places. Jeongyeon doesn’t mind—it’s not like she has a busy schedule to keep track of, after all. The last time she was busy was last week; when she agreed to guest on Dahyun’s show. 

Seeing Dahyun after months of only hearing her voice on the phone and seeing her face on a tiny video screen made Jeongyeon more emotional than she expected. She’d deny this until the end of her grave but she cried when Dahyun hugged her. Thankfully, they were alone. Dahyun embraced her so tightly it felt like all the longing and agony of being apart from her members were gradually healed.

Her phone vibrates in her pocket and she fishes it out to find a message from Jihyo.

**From: Thomas **

How's your sister?

**Read at 1:55 PM**

**To: Thomas **

Shes still inside

**Delivered at 1:56 PM**

**To: Thomas**

Happy 10th anniversary btw :)

**Delivered at 1:58 PM**

**From: Thomas**

Can I call?

**Read at 2:00 PM**

Jeongyeon rings her up.

“You know you don’t have to ask,” is the first thing she tells Jihyo on the other end of the call.

“I wanted to make sure,” the other woman responds cheekily. Her voice is softer, like she’s somewhere private. Jeongyeon strains her ears and hears the sounds of cars honking past. Jihyo must be inside her private car. “You might’ve been in the room with your sister for all I knew. I didn’t want you to leave her side,” the younger girl adds.

“Nah, I’m just sitting outside.” Jeongyeon glances around, shifting her mask to hide her face better. The clinic isn’t all that packed but there’s still a handful of people who seem to be in the average age range of knowing who TWICE were. She doesn’t want a crowd of cameras and fan sites following her inside and stressing her possibly pregnant sister. “Thankfully, nobody seems to recognize me,” she says.

“Lucky for you.” A deep sigh from Jihyo reaches Jeongyeon’s ears. “The paparazzi were all over Nayeon and I when we went out to lunch earlier.” 

“Did you go to the same place?”

“Of course, it’s _our _spot,” Jihyo answers.

Jeongyeon pretends not to hear the knowing tilt of the younger girl’s voice. “Dispatch knows you guys always go there to celebrate,” she says, “so they’ll always be camping there each time an anniversary comes and goes.” 

“Can you imagine the headlines if _you _were there too?” Jihyo asks. 

“Jihyo-yah…” 

“3MIX reunited at their favorite restaurant on TWICE’s tenth anniversary since SIXTEEN,” Jihyo declares, “ONCEs would be breaking down all over Twitter and Naver.” 

“Is this your way of telling me to talk to Nayeon?” 

A pause. Jeongyeon imagines Jihyo sitting in her car, watching the world pass by through the window. Sometimes, back in their idol days, when Jihyo wasn’t being a hyperactive kid in the shoes of a grown woman, Jeongyeon would see her staring into space, deep in thought. She would get this faraway look in her eyes and it would often take a while for her to snap back into place. 

Jeongyeon always wondered what she was thinking about.

“Jihyo-yah?”

“When was the last time you guys talked?”

“Recently.”

“Jeongyeon-ah.”

Jeongyeon bites back a grin. “I’m kidding,” she says, “It’s been a few weeks.”

“Are you guys _still _not over what happened three years ago?” Jihyo asks exasperatedly. She sounds a bit upset. Jeongyeon can’t really blame her. It must be tough watching your two closest friends fall apart at the seams and then you’re the one left picking up the pieces. 

“I’m over it,” Jeongyeon says, “It’s Nayeon who brings it up.”

“Cause it’s Nayeon.”

“_Exactly_.” She rubs at the bridge of her nose, letting out a loud sigh. “We can’t move on from the past if she keeps bringing it up everytime we talk to each other.”

“You know our unnie isn’t exactly the type of person to forget about such things,” Jihyo mumbles, “especially when it comes to you, Jeongyeon.” 

Jeongyeon knows there’s some truth to that. The last time she and Nayeon talked, it felt like things were back to normal. They could actually stay in the same room without getting into an argument over the past. But the tiniest of triggers can set Nayeon off and then they’re back to where they started—back to that same argument over and over again. Jeongyeon knows Nayeon is holding back from actually saying what’s on her mind and she wishes that her best friend would just _release _herself. Then they can actually get somewhere. 

“I miss you guys,” Jihyo says in her ear, “It’s been too long.”

Jeongyeon tilts her head, frowning. “Aren’t you used to us being apart by now?”

“I’ll never get used to it, you know that.”

The words are a stab to Jeongyeon’s heart. She takes a deep breath, hating herself for letting things reach this point. Before they disbanded, they promised to keep in touch, to stay together, to always be one call away. But careers get in the way, plans are cancelled, calls are missed and the bond gradually fades. 

Jeongyeon felt this strongly with Nayeon. She gave the older girl time but time ended up tearing them apart. Now they're here—at a standstill.

At least Jeongyeon still has Jihyo.

She smiles sadly. “I miss you too, don’t worry,” she says, thinking of another member—far away and seemingly impossible to reach, “I miss everybody.” 

* * *

Chaeyoung bites back a yawn as she sits on the bench by the airport terminal. It's like 7 in the morning here in Germany and she only got a few hours of sleep last night after a party out with the locals. She's slightly hungover but it's not severe enough to render her unable to board her flight straight to another country. 

She's always wanted to go to Greece. There's something _ancient _waiting for her there and she's excited to explore the place where Greek mythology was born. Ever since she started diving deeper into art, Greece has always been an influential presence. And now she's finally here, just a few hours away from stepping foot onto a new land, and the thought is enough to get her heart rushing. 

A memory resurfaces in her brain. A girl's smile, tinged with fondness and affection. _You really want to do everything once, huh_? 

Chaeyoung closes her eyes. She remembers what happened next and forces herself not to think too much about it. If she does, she won't be able to focus on the task at hand. She promised herself something the day she left South Korea—_improve, improve, improve_. She can't do that if she's still stuck in the past.

Letting out a deep breath, she pulls out her notebook from her bag. It still has the same flower pin on the strap and she fondly touches it with the tip of her finger. It was something that caught her eye from a vintage store back in the Philippines. Shaking away the memories, she props open the notebook on her knees and starts writing: 

_Days and nights passing through cities and countries _

_With the memory of your smile as the only constant in my head _

_It's been years since I've last seen you except in my memories _

_I’ve forgotten what it felt like to sleep next to you in my bed _

She pauses, jaw clenching. The flowers on her knuckles stare back at her mockingly. She remembers fingers tracing the shape of her tattoos more than once, fascinated and intrigued. _What are you planning on getting next? _The girl in her memories ask. 

She continues to write. It's been three years but she doesn't think she'll ever forget. How can she, when she was too much of a coward to tell the girl she loved how she felt? 

_I think of you every now and then—like a broken record player stuck on repeat_

_We don't talk much anymore but I can't get you out of my bloodstream _

_Each physical pain I feel is nothing compared to knowing that I'm incomplete _

_Without you next to me, like I'm wide awake and you're nothing more than just a dream _

Chaeyoung looks up and checks her phone. It's nearing 7:50 AM, her designated flight schedule. Her eyes catch today's date and something _clicks _in her head. _Oh. _It's today.

Their tenth anniversary since SIXTEEN. 

She mentally calculates the hours between South Korea and Germany. Roughly eight hours. That means… the day is halfway over back in her home country. The thought makes her queasy. It's never been simple, knowing she's moving to another timezone, compared to the rest of her members. It makes her feel more detached, like she's working out of sync. 

Hmmm. Usually, somebody would text her when something TWICE related happens. She opens her messages and sees Dahyun's text from earlier that night or morning, in the other girl's case. Chaeyoung rarely checks her messages nowadays so it doesn't surprise her that she missed this one. 

She decides to reply. Today is special, after all. 

**To: Dubu **

Happy 10th anniversary bro

**Delivered at 7:28 AM **

**To: Dubu**

Miss u 🤘

**Delivered at 7:29 AM **

No immediate reply. Chaeyoung shrugs and puts away her phone. She hasn't really talked to Dahyun much, mostly because she's asleep when Dahyun is awake or they're both really busy with their respective schedules. The thought makes her sad but she shakes it off. This is the aftermath of idol life, after all. Actually, now that she thinks about it, the last time she talked to Dahyun was probably on Tzuyu’s birthday, when the youngest of their group asked for a video call. Even though their schedules clashed, Dahyun and Chaeyoung couldn’t say no to their maknae. 

(She doesn’t want to think about it.) 

She decides to finish her poem, now inspired by the realization that it's been ten years since her life was forever changed. 

_If I could turn back time, I would go to you, the same way I didn't before_

_I wouldn't let fear overtake my brain each time your eyes meet mine_

_Instead, I would lay my fragile, beating heart by your feet and beg you for more_

_You smile, your laugh, for you to love me back and for the love of God, give me a sign—_

Chaeyoung stops, heart clenching, before she writes one last line at that very bottom, almost like a promise: _I'll be waiting. _

The intercom calls for her flight number and she stands up, putting her notebook away. As she drags her suitcase to the tunnel leading to her flight, she thinks back to her idol life. Back when her days were spent driving to the airport, smiling at the cameras and moving from one plane to the next. 

At least she doesn't have to worry about that anymore. 

* * *

"So," Sana says cheekily, waving at all the people now crowding by the window of the cafe they’re eating at, cameras flashing and phones recording straight at them, “I guess our disguises didn’t work.” 

Mina sighs, adjusting her face mask and pulling her hood up. “You literally dropped your disguise the second we got here.” 

“I can’t eat with my hood up, Mitang.”

“You chose to sit down next to the window where _hundreds _of people pass by,” Mina points out, “In what universe did you think that they wouldn’t recognize us?”

“I wanted a view!” 

Mina’s face crumples at the sight of the crowd waiting for them outside the cafe. Sana’s heart twitches. Okay. She _has _to admit_—_maybe this isn’t one of her best plans. She should’ve thought this one through. She’s usually more careful than this, especially when it comes to bringing Mina to the public. A part of her doesn’t want to admit that she’s not thinking straight, especially in relation to today’s date.

Ten years since SIXTEEN.

Three years since disbandment. 

Sana doesn’t want to think about the memories she left behind in South Korea. It’ll hurt too much. And today isn’t the time to be sad. She can push that for tomorrow.

“I’m sorry,” she tells Mina sincerely, whipping her phone out, “Let me call my bodyguards.” 

“_Bodyguards_?” the younger girl repeats, eyes wide. 

Sana presses the number to the head of her security. “Yes, bodyguards, Mina-chan.” 

“When did you get bodyguards?” 

Sana shrugs, remembering the last time a crowd this big stumbled across her getting her nails done. “I’m not tied to an agency, remember?” she says, “so I have to look out for myself nowadays.” The words sound pitiful at most but she tries to get her cheer on. No Sana, no life, right? If she lets herself be sad, then Mina will be sad too. That’s the last thing she wants out of today.

After her head of security answers and confirms that they’ll be on their way, Sana looks at Mina, who is now politely nodding at the people still waiting outside. This is one of the worst parts of life after being an idol_—_the breach of privacy. She could still understand it when they were still doing comebacks and promotions but that part of their careers is over now. Sana knows Mina just wants to be left alone, to be given some semblance of peace after ten years of being scrutinized by the general public. Sana gets that. 

"They'll be here in a few minutes," she tells her younger friend, reaching out and squeezing her hand, "I'm sorry for not being careful." 

Mina vehemently shakes her head. “It’s fine, Satang,” she mumbles, “I’m used to this already.”

“Doesn’t mean you have to be okay with it," Sana whispers, frowning.

“I am.” Mina’s smile doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “I’m okay, don’t worry.”

Sana has known Mina for so long that she knows she’s lying. She sends a quick text to her head of security: _get here faster_. The next ten minutes are spent in a tense, uncomfortable atmosphere. The flashing of lights is strong enough to hurt Sana’s eyes everytime she glances out the window. She can hear a few people calling their names. Each time they do, she sees Mina shrinking back into her shell.

It hurts to see her like this. 

Mina was the first move to away when they disbanded. It was such a shock to the rest of the girls. One day, they were all hanging out at one of their apartments and the next, Mina was packing her bags and heading straight to the airport. Sana has always suspected that something happened_—_something Mina refuses to talk about, even until now. No matter how many times Sana tries to coax it out of her, Mina refuses to say a word.

Her phone vibrates and she knows that her security has arrived. She gathers her bag and gestures for Mina to follow her. "Come on," she says, "There's a car waiting for us already." 

Mina takes a deep breath, slips her hand into Sana's and stands up. Sana squeezes once before she leads them both outside. Right where the guards and paparazzi are waiting for them. 

Almost at once, they're overwhelmed.

"Sana-chan!"

"Are you celebrating your tenth anniversary since SIXTEEN?"

"Mina-chan, I love you!"

"You girls still look beautiful!"

"Sana-yah, hi!" 

"How's Momo?"

"Please tell Momo I love her!"

"Is Momo coming back to Japan?" 

Sana’s grip on Mina’s hand tightens and she pulls the younger girl closer to her. The same way she always did back in crowded airports. Sana has hired five bodyguards over the past few years and now they help pave the path straight to the private car. She grabs a few fan letters along the way. A boy who looks to be a few years younger beams at her when she meets his eyes. 

“Do you still talk to Momo?” he asks, grinning brightly. He has to yell to be heard over the crowd.

Sana nods and hopes that her smile is believable. 

When they finally stumble inside the car and the noise of the crowd fade into the background, Sana realizes her hands are shaking. She takes a deep breath, squeezes her eyes shut and twists the ring on her finger. Mina is quiet for several moments, possibly trying to calm herself down from the ordeal they just faced. 

(For a split second, Sana thinks she’s going to let it go_—_)

“You lied,” Mina says with a glance in her direction.

Sana’s shoulders tense. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Satang, please.” Now it’s Mina’s turn to reach out and squeeze her hand. “You haven’t talked to Momo since we disbanded.” 

Sana looks away, locking her jaw. “She’s not the only one,” she mutters, eyes fixed on the world outside the car window. After a moment, Mina lets go.

* * *

The car comes to a standstill outside her apartment. Jihyo is roused from her sleep by her manager shaking her shoulder lightly. For a split second, she thinks she’s back in the van with the rest of her members. But if that were the case, then Nayeon and Jeongyeon would be yelling at each other by now, demanding to get to the bathroom first. Sana would be using her puppy eyes at Dahyun into getting a few cheek kisses before bedtime. Mina and Tzuyu would be giggling over cute dog videos. Momo and Chaeyoung would both be knocked unconscious by the stress of their schedules, sleeping with their mouths open. 

The van wouldn’t be as quiet as it is now. 

Jihyo shakes the thought away and bids her manager goodbye. A long day of photoshoots for her next album jacket awaits her tomorrow morning and she needs to get a good night's sleep. She fixes her cap, covering her face before rushing inside the building. She doesn’t need to be seen by people right now. She knows what happened to Dahyun when the public found out where she lived and doesn’t want to go through the same thing.

After she gets inside the elevator and presses the button for her floor, her phone vibrates in her pocket. She pulls it out and sees that it’s a text from her manager, sending her a link to a recent post by Koreaboo. Her eyes scan the title quickly and it feels like a cold grip has reached out and squeezed her heart tight.

_TEN YEARS LATER—WHERE IS TWICE NOW?_

It’s an article about her old members, detailing their recent activities. She’s so busy staring at the words but not actually digesting them that she doesn’t realize she’s already reached her floor. Thankfully, some man taking his dog out for a walk catches her attention. “Waiting for somebody?” he asks with a polite smile.

Jihyo checks the floor number. “Oh no, sorry, this is my floor, thank you.” She bows once and hurriedly leaves the tiny lift. Then she shuts off her phone and starts walking to her door. A tight and heavy feeling claws its way up into her throat and she has to breathe through her nose to get some air in. The article has made her feel dizzy. She doesn’t know why.

(She knows why_—_she just doesn’t want to think about it.) 

Once she’s inside her apartment, the tension leaves her shoulders and the knot in her chest loosens. She rubs the back of her neck, feeling the familiar stiffness and reminding herself to check in with the doctor soon. Despite no longer looking after eight chaotic members, people still think she’s overworking herself. Jihyo wants to laugh. She can’t remember the last time she didn’t overwork herself. She also can’t remember the last time she felt happy overworking herself.

Her phone vibrates again, reminding her of the article she has to read. But first, she pours herself a glass of wine from the kitchen and walks around her living room. It’s sparse with little to no personal belongings, except for some framed pictures hanging on the wall behind the flat screen TV. Photos have always been important for her_—_important moments captured and preserved by the lens of a camera. When TWICE disbanded, Jihyo printed out her favorite pictures and hung them in her living space. 

She always catches herself staring at these framed photos every single night before she goes to bed. 

Deciding that she can’t push the article off any longer, Jihyo takes a seat on her couch and pulls out her phone. There’s a text message from Jeongyeon, which she eagerly opens:

**From: Yoostrich**

Dont overwork urself. Go to bed early

**Read at 8:01 PM**

**From: Yoostrich**

And unnie’s pregnant, btw.

**Read at 8:02 PM**

**From: Yoostrich**

Im going to be an aunt 😭😭😭

**Read at 8:02 PM**

Jihyo’s smile widens. She puts down her wine glass and sends a quick reply:

**To: Yoostrich**

Pls ask your sister if I can be godmother!!!!

**Delivered at 8:03 PM**

**To: Yoostrich**

And break the news to Nayeon. She’ll be so happy she’ll cry!!!

**Delivered at 8:03 PM**

When Jeongyeon doesn’t respond, Jihyo switches to the article again. She reads through it quickly, stopping every now and then to stare at the recent pictures of her members and seeing the way the past three years changed their appearances. Dahyun is sporting bright orange hair again, making her look ten times younger. Momo’s bangs are back and she still has the same bright smile from their earlier days. Next to her. Tzuyu looks _taller_, if that’s even possible. Perhaps she’s wearing heels? Meanwhile, Sana’s hair is its natural light shade of brown and Mina has hers cut to a shoulder-length level. Lastly, Chaeyoung still looks adorably cute in that one tiny fancam of her heading to her early flight. 

They still look the same to her_—_the same girls she grew up with. Even though they haven’t seen each other in forever, she has a feeling things would still feel the same way. It’ll still feel like home, no matter the time and distance they’ve spent apart. Or maybe that’s just wishful thinking. 

Jihyo sighs and drinks her wine. Her eyes move to the framed pictures on the wall again and land on one taken during their sixth anniversary. The photo where they were all crying and hugging each other. Because they knew they only had a year left before disbandment_—_before they would inevitably split ways and head into different directions. 

Three years.

It’s been three years.

Jihyo puts down her wine glass and lets the tears fall. 

* * *

Tzuyu wipes away her tears, cursing herself for letting them fall in the first place. She’s better than this_—stronger _than this. There’s no way she’s going to cry every single time an anniversary or a member’s birthday comes and goes. If she did that, she’d be walking around with puffy eyes all the time. And when you’re a model, you always need to look your best, even if you’re not feeling like it. 

Tzuyu hasn’t been feeling like it for a very long time. 

She’s sitting in the balcony of her apartment, staring up at the moon and thinking of how quickly the day has ended. Ten years ago, when they were all competing in SIXTEEN, it almost felt like that day couldn’t end any faster. It was a whirlwind of emotions, sweat, blood and tears all wrapped up in a single, defining moment that would forever change her life. She thinks about her popularity being the only reason she got in TWICE and then how she spent the following seven years of her career proving that she isn’t just a pretty face.

And now here she is_—_a _model._

It’s ironic. 

Her younger self would loathe her for the career change. 

When she was a kid, all she wanted was to dance. It was ingrained in her system. She loved how it made her feel_—_how the music drowned out her thoughts, how the ache in her bones was proof of her diligence, how her feet ached each time the song ended and she collapsed onto the ground, breathless and exhausted but deliriously alive. 

She misses dancing.

She hasn’t danced for the past three years of her life.

After she and Momo had lunch earlier, they were cornered by Dispatch and some fans on the streets. Neither of them were good at talking to the general public_—_that was Dahyun’s speciality, anyway. However, somebody asked if they could dance for them. A little something to celebrate their tenth anniversary. The idea was enough to make Tzuyu break out into a sweat, which Momo thankfully didn’t notice. 

It took a lot of effort but Tzuyu managed to still remember the steps to _Yes or Yes_ with Momo leading. It still made her uneasy, though. Dancing doesn’t feel the same anymore. Especially when you’re supposed to be nine and you just end up being two. Tzuyu wants to laugh. She wants to cry. _God—_it’s been three years and she still can’t find it in herself to move on from their disbandment. 

She misses her unnies so much. 

When they parted ways, it felt like the rest of her members took turns stomping over her heart. She knows they don’t mean it_. _They have their own lives, after all. But it still hurts every time she remembers Nayeon and Jihyo immediately jumping back into the entertainment industry. It still hurts every time she remembers Mina and Sana leaving for Japan. It still hurts every time she catches up with Jeongyeon and Dahyun over the phone instead of in person. It still hurts when she thinks of Chaeyoung moving away to Europe without even telling any of them.

Tzuyu closes her eyes and plays a [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OObWxhuCDs4) on her phone. It’s her favorite one. It always helps calm her down. Besides, it’s the voice she longs to hear every time loneliness strikes her in the middle of the night. The lyrics speak to her now and she imagines that person wrapping an arm around her shoulders, the same way she used to do so long ago...

_Even though I've walked on other streets_

_Even when I turn around and come in a distance_

_It's always in its place_

_No one here would even know that I'm alone_

_It's quiet as if it's someone didn't exist at all_

When the song ends, Tzuyu posts a picture on her personal Instagram account. It’s one of the first pictures they’ve ever taken as a group, taken a few days after they all won SIXTEEN. When she presses post, the weight in heart doesn’t lessen. She doesn’t think it ever will. 

**@thechoutzuyu: **It’s been ten years since SIXTEEN. Happy anniversary, TWICE and ONCEs! I missed all of you. I hope we can see each other again soon. Please stay healthy and happy all the time! 😄❤️

  
  



	2. broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (tzuyu, sana, jihyo and mina—they're all broken in their own, little ways)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to point out that since this Disbandment AU is rooted in reality, there will be lots of times where I'll reference their past scandals and Kang Daniel. I'm not an expert in everything TWICE, which is why I've asked some people for help along the way. However, if you feel like it's getting too much for you, please tell me to crank it down. Or if you feel like it's too OOC, you're more than welcome to tell that to me in the comment sections.
> 
> Trigger warning for descriptions on anxiety attacks.

"Turn your face to the left?" The photographer, Mr. Kang Soo, asks her. His head is tilted to the side, eyebrows furrowed and mouth twisted in a small frown. He's checking the pictures on his camera. Almost at once, Tzuyu knows she's doing something wrong. It sends a jolt of anxiety through her heart and she quickly adjusts her position, hoping to make up for it. Years in the modelling industry has taught her how to read people's expressions. It helps to gauge exactly what they want from her. Do they need her to smile more? Is her hand position too awkward? Are her eyes telling a story?

Mr. Kang doesn't look too happy right now.

She's currently at some high-end studio in Busan. Her manager is at the sides, waiting for her signal if she needs anything. Even though her back is starting to sore from sitting in the same position for nearly an hour now, she doesn't ask for a break. Especially not now, when Mr. Kang is still checking through the film and wearing a frown that makes her nervous.

She's supposed to be modelling for a new brand of cosmetics. The instructions given to her is the same old instructions she gets every time its a make-up product. Be beautiful. Know your angles. Look happy. 

A pretty face and nothing more.

Tzuyu takes a deep breath when Mr. Kang glances back up at her. "Your eyes," he says, "They're blank. Can you please project more emotion, Ms. Chou?" 

_Oh. _Tzuyu steels her jaw. "Okay," she says, nodding politely. 

Mr. Kang crouches down again, trying to get a lower angle for a shot. Tzuyu smiles because that's always her go-to move whenever she needs to look happy. He takes a few pictures, moving every now and then, and Tzuyu adjusts accordingly with each position change. 

But then he stops, frown in place again. 

"You're tense," he says, shaking his head, "Relax your shoulders." 

Tzuyu nods again, hating this already. It was easier when she was still part of TWICE—your mistakes are easier to overlook, after all. Especially when there's eight other girls doing the same photoshoot. But when you're a professional model, you're expected to know how to work every feature in your face. The eyes are the most important ones. Critics can see every emotion they betray.

Tzuyu inhales deeply and tries to relax. Almost at once, Mr. Kang shakes his head again. The displeasure on his face is similar to getting stabbed in the heart. Tzuyu catches her manager turning away. 

A lump forms in her throat. 

She's better than this. 

"When you _force _yourself to be something, it projects in the final photo," Mr. Kang tells her, not unkindly, "No matter how many times you _try _to relax, you'll still end up looking stiff." 

She nods again, feeling tears burn the back of her eyes. "Okay."

"One more."

Another deep breath. Tzuyu picks up a lipstick and tries to play with it. Mr. Kang crouches back down again, camera pointed straight at her. Before, when she was still in SIXTEEN, Tzuyu always liked playing around when the cameras were on her. It reminded her of times where her father would take pictures of her in front of all the places they visited during vacation. She imagines him now as Mr. Kang, guiding her gently into taking the right shot and smiling brightly behind the camera.

The thought of her father makes her homesick.

Mr. Kang sighs once again and sits back on his haunches. “Let’s take a break,” he says firmly, “I think you need to get some air, Ms. Chou.”

Tzuyu sets down the lipstick and walks over to where her manager, Jiwon-unnie, is waiting for her with a bottle of water. Her eyes sting. Her chest feels tight. She has to take deep shuddering breaths before she opens the cap to her water and takes a sip. She’s never done so badly in a photoshoot before. Sure, people always praise her for her gorgeous visuals but she always knows how to work her way around a camera. She isn’t _just _a pretty face—not in that sense of the word, anyway.

Jiwon touches her arm. “Is there something wrong, Tzuyu-yah?” she asks. She’s a few years older than Tzuyu is with short cropped hair and kind eyes. Shorter than she is, which isn’t fairly new. Tzuyu remembers Jihyo and Chaeyoung having to crane their necks up to look her in the eye sometimes.

Another stab of nostalgia. Tzuyu forces it down.

“I’m fine, unnie,” she says, smiling. 

“You haven’t looked so good since a few weeks ago,” her manager points out, “which is why I asked. The company isn’t that keen on mental health but I just wanted to make sure—” 

Tzuyu shakes her head again, feeling bad for making the older woman worry.

“I’m okay,” she interrupts gently, “I’m just a little tired, that’s all. And yeah, I need some air.”

Jiwon doesn’t look like she believes her but she lets her go anyway. Tzuyu takes her phone, excuses herself, and heads out to the nearest balcony. They’re currently in the Busan International Finance Center which has a perfect vantage point of the entire city. It’s nearing evening already so she can see the sky turning orange as the darkness sets in and the sun gradually leaves for the day. She takes another deep breath and leans her forearms against the railing. Somewhere out there, she imagines _her _looking into the sky and finding the beauty in the mundane. The way she always does. 

Tzuyu closes her eyes and remembers early mornings in hotel rooms just watching the sun rise. It used to give her a sense of peace—knowing that each morning she woke up to signalled a new day to spend with her members. She thinks of Nayeon and Jihyo fighting over who gets to use the bathroom after she finishes showering, of Dahyun rapping with a toothbrush still in her mouth, of Momo and Jeongyeon racing for the early breakfast buffet, of Sana waking Mina up with kisses and hugs and of Chaeyoung still fast asleep in her room. 

The thought aches.

Three years. 

The days just don’t get easier. 

Tzuyu looks down at her phone and calls the first person that comes to mind. After a few rings, the line connects and she hears somebody cursing in the background. A smile grows on her face, replacing the initial frustration and worry at having disappointed Mr. Kang.

“Hey, Tzuyu-yah,” Jeongyeon greets on the other end, “Sorry I nearly tripped over my cat’s tail.”

“It’s okay, unnie.” Almost at once, the weight on Tzuyu’s heart lessens. It always does everytime she talks to one of her members. Well, all except one… 

“What’s up?”

“Nothing, really,” Tzuyu answers, sighing, “I just…I had a bad shoot.”

“Oh?” Jeongyeon’s tone shifts to a serious one. “What did the photographer say?”

“Something about my expression being blank and my posture being tense.” Tzuyu closes her eyes briefly, rubbing the back of her neck and feeling the knot of tension just under the surface. “I’ve never had to deal with that kind of criticism before so I’m not really sure what to feel about it. And I also don’t know what he wants from me.”

Jeongyeon hums understandingly. “We get those days sometimes. We’ll always have good and bad shoots. Doesn’t mean you’re a bad model, overall.”

Contrary to popular belief, Jeongyeon isn’t completely out of the spotlight. Every now and then, when the opportunity rises, she takes a few modelling jobs. Nobody can deny that Jeongyeon was born to be a model, after all. It was because of her that Tzuyu decided to pursue modelling as a career after idol life. It’s not technically Tzuyu’s first option—her first choice was to renew her contract with TWICE—but it will have to do. When the majority of the members didn’t agree with extending their years together, it shattered her. Not even Dahyun, who wanted to renew, could comfort her.

She pushes the memories away.

“What are you modelling for?” Jeongyeon asks, redirecting her attention back to the conversation at hand.

“A new cosmetic brand,” Tzuyu answers, glancing at the orange light leaving the horizon, “You know, lipstick, concealers and eyeliners—the usual.” 

“Ah. That usually means you have to be happy that you’re spending all this money to look beautiful.” Jeongyeon snorts. “When I have to do cosmetic shoots, I always think about my happiest moments. It hides the fact that I would rather spend my money on food than the latest shade of lipstick. So yeah—that’s my technique.”

Tzuyu frowns. “Happiest moments?” she asks.

“Yeah, if your expression is too blank, think of happy thoughts.” She can hear Jeongyeon rummaging on the other end of the call and then talking to her sister with her hand over the phone. Tzuyu can’t understand what she’s saying but she catches a few words being thrown around. Did Jeongyeon just say ‘baby’ and ‘doctor’ in the same sentence?” 

When Jeongyeon comes back to the call, Tzuyu is quick to ask, “Are you pregnant?”

Jeongyeon chokes on a gasp and Tzuyu can imagine her wide-eyed look. “Eh? Where’d you get that idea from?”

“I heard you talking about going to a doctor.” Tzuyu doesn’t know what to feel about Jeongyeon being pregnant. Of course she’s happy for her but was her unnie seeing anybody? Tzuyu doesn’t know, no matter how many times she tries to rack her brain. It makes her feel terrible for not knowing what goes on with the rest of her members. 

Jeongyeon laughs. It’s her calm laugh—not the one where she throws her head back and sounds like she’s actually going to die from oxygen deprivation. “Tzuyu, please,” the older woman says, “I’m not pregnant. Besides, if I were, you’d be one of the first to know.”

The statement relaxes Tzuyu more than she lets on and she can’t help but smile broadly. “Really?” she asks, “You mean that?”

“With every beat of my heart, you sap.” Jeongyeon pauses, as if she’s hesitating. “It’s actually Seungyeon whose pregnant. I’ve only told Jihyo about it.”

“Oh, congratulations!” Tzuyu’s heart inflates until it feels like it’s about to burst out of her ribcage. She loves kids! Before, they always talked about how many kids they’d want to have in the future. Nayeon always trumped all of them by saying she wanted ten babies at the same time, no matter the cost and the effort. 

“Thanks, Tzu.” Another pause from Jeongyeon’s end of the call. “Please don’t tell anybody this. My sister’s managers don’t know yet and it might complicate a few things, especially since the filming for her new show just started.” 

Tzuyu feels slightly hurt that Jeongyeon would think she’d spill this to Dispatch. “You know I’d never do that,” she mumbles.

“Of course,” Jeongyeon is quick to say, “but you know how things are.” 

Tzuyu _does _know. She thinks about the flag incident and how quickly it backfired against her. The following months after that was enough to make her want to quit. Thankfully, she didn’t. Thinking about it now, she can’t imagine what would happen if something similar happened to Seungyeon-unnie. The stress wouldn’t be good for the baby. Tzuyu has, after all, learned firsthand just how harsh the online community can be against idols. 

“I won’t tell anybody,” Tzuyu says, “You can count on me, unnie.”

Jeongyeon exhales a sigh in relief. “Thank you, Tzuyu-yah.” 

“So far, only Jihyo and I know?” Tzuyu asks, a little curious when she doesn’t hear Nayeon’s name.

Silence. For a split second, she thinks the call might’ve ended. But then Jeongyeon’s voice returns, sounding slightly frustrated, “Yeah. Nayeon and I are kind of fighting at the moment. It’s not a big deal, you know.”

Of course Tzuyu knows. They’ve lived with each other for _seven _years. She knows how Nayeon can get defensive and how Jeongyeon shuts down when she’s confronted. Those two have always been the closest but every time they get into major fights, like Nayeon accidentally losing one of Jeongyeon’s favorite shirts or Jeongyeon scolding her for saying something reckless on VLive, it’s like World War III. The only person who manages to calm them down is Jihyo.

It’s understandable that only Jihyo would know about Jeongyeon’s sister being pregnant. Still, Tzuyu can only imagine how Nayeon would feel. It’s one thing to ignore each other when they’re fighting but it’s another to not be told of important events.

Like when Chaeyoung suddenly left for Europe without telling anybody… 

The hurt still lingers every time Tzuyu manages to talk to Chaeyoung on the phone, which is a rare occurrence in itself. They never talk without Dahyun in the middle, though, which is something she’s still getting used to. Before, it was easy to talk to Chaeyoung. Now, they can't do it without a third party. The last time they all caught up was on Tzuyu’s birthday back in June. Even then, Chaeng couldn’t really look her in the eye, content on listening than talking.

Tzuyu understands why.

That’s the problem—she _understands _why Chaeyoung left for Europe suddenly. Knowing the reason doesn’t make her feel any better. Especially when she knows it’s her fault in the first place. It still doesn’t hurt any less when Chaeyoung did leave. She hasn't been back to Korea since. 

“You guys will work it out,” Tzuyu tells Jeongyeon, even though she’s thinking about Chaeyoung, “You always do.”

The other girl laughs. “You’ve always been so optimistic,” she says, “I kind of envy you.” 

Tzuyu smiles, tears burning the back of her eyes. She sniffles, trying to wipe them away discreetly so that she won’t ruin her make-up. That’s what they always comment about her. _Our maknae is so pure_. _She’s always smiling. She never says anything bad_. If only they knew that being pure and optimistic has its consequences. Her heart is soft—_too _soft. And at the end of the day, she’s just going to get hurt because of it.

She already has.

“Hey,” Jeongyeon says, “Are you okay? You sound like you’re crying.”

“I’m fine.”

“Tzuyu-yah, please don’t lie to me.”

“I just—” Tzuyu takes a deep breath, staring at the empty sky, “I just miss you.” 

A deep sigh from Jeongyeon’s end. “I know,” she whispers, “I miss you too. Maybe—maybe we’ll catch up on my birthday, eh? How about that?”

“You said that on my birthday,” Tzuyu points out, trying very hard to keep the hurt from her voice. It doesn’t work. She doesn’t want to sound like a petulant child but she feels like one. She feels like her mom just let go of her hand in the middle of a busy supermarket and she’s spent half an hour crying about it. “You said that on Dahyun’s birthday. And then on Chaeng’s. Before that, Jihyo’s. Let’s face it, unnie—we’re just too busy.”

“Tzuyu, I—”

There’s a knock behind Tzuyu and she turns to find her manager gesturing for her to come inside. Mr. Kang is already in position, adjusting his camera lens. Break’s over.

“I should get going,” Tzuyu tells her unnie, “I have to get back to work.”

“Tzuyu-yah,” Jeongyeon says, sounding almost desperate, “I’ll make it up to you, I promise. I’m so sorry.”

Tzuyu nods, even though Jeongyeon can’t see her. “Okay, I’ll keep that in mind.”

The call ends and the weight on her heart returns. It always does, every time she’s reminded that the only way she’s able to talk to her unnies is through a phone screen. They’re no longer just a dorm room away. The thought saddens her. Putting away her phone, she takes another deep breath and thinks about Jeongyeon’s advice. 

_Think happy thoughts_. 

It’s been a while since she was happy, though.

* * *

Sana cries the second the door slams shut behind her latest fling. 

The silence is unnerving. It makes her remember things—memories she’d rather not think about after what she’s just done yet _again_. She looks around the room, tears in her eyes, as her gaze lands on the clothes she hastily took off hours before. It had been a moment of weakness. She was just at the bar and this random girl went up to her to ask for her number. It was obvious she didn’t recognize who Sana was. It was too easy to just give _in_. 

And Sana did.

Now she’s lying naked in bed without a warm body next to her and it’s cold. It’s always been cold. Ever since _she_—Sana forces herself not to think about it. It won’t do her any good. Missing her won’t do any good. After three years, she should’ve gotten used to it already. But she hasn’t. How can she? What happens when you lose the one person who you thought was going to be with you for the rest of your life? Are you just expected to _move on_? 

She wipes at her eyes, taking deep gulps of air. Thank God the girl was just looking for a one-night stand. She doesn’t think she can handle the complications of dealing with dating anybody. She’s been on a few casual dates every now and then, mostly with people who don’t know who she is. Every time her date starts to recognize her, she’s always quick to leave. No need for the netizens to get wind of this. Idol life might be over for her but she still needs to be careful with who ends up in her bed. 

The sex was good but it still wasn’t enough to fill the empty space in her heart.

She doesn’t think anything will be able to fill it. 

The clock reads 11:05 PM. Even though she should be sleeping by now, she slips out of her bed and pulls on the clothes from earlier that night. She’s in Kyoto for the next few days, visiting a few relatives from her father’s side. The hotel room she booked smells of sex and cheap booze. Memories from one specific night comes to mind and she forcefully pushes them out of her mind. If she doesn’t think about it, she can pretend it didn’t happen. And if it didn’t happen, then it doesn’t hurt. 

(_It doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t hurt._)

Sometimes, Sana feels like there’s an open wound somewhere in her body. She can’t find it but she knows it’s there. Just bleeding all over and staining whatever she touches. She wears her heartbreak like it’s some new deformed skin she has to live with for the rest of her life. But the only problem is—nobody sees it unless they look closely enough. And she hasn’t let anybody get close enough yet. 

Not even Mina. 

_You lied_, she remembers Mina saying. 

Sana’s always been good at lying.

The last time they saw each other was a week ago—when Sana dropped by her apartment to bake a cake and tell her she’s going to be away for a few days. They’ve exchanged a few messages every now and then but Sana knows Mina would rather keep to herself and reach out to her when she’s comfortable. She has a feeling that them being together reminds Mina of something _bad_. This only confirms Sana’s suspicions that she’s not the only one hiding things. 

After she finishes pulling her shirt and panties on, she heads over to the small fridge in the corner of her hotel room and pulls out a bottle of champagne. She can’t sleep anyway. Might as well drink something to get her nerves down. As she pours herself a drink, she thinks back to how her life has turned out. She supposes it’s because of the champagne and the sex. A good mix to have if you want to experience an existential crisis. 

Ever since she was a kid, Sana has always been alone. Having grown up as an only child, she depended heavily on her next-door neighbors if she needed a playmate. Her friends would often come over but they never stayed for sleepovers due to their strict parents. They always had to do homework, which Sana despised. Homework was one of the main factors as to why Sana never knew what it felt like to sleep next to someone. 

Until she moved to South Korea and gained eight new sisters. 

This is probably why she finds herself crying every time somebody leaves her bed. She’s not used to sleeping alone anymore. There has _always _been somebody next to her.

Thinking about the other girls is always a gamble. Most of the time, when she's in a good mood, she can think of them fondly and happily. Memories of her family fill her thoughts—of Nayeon, Jeongyeon and Jihyo fighting over something petty and then making up days after, of Momo being clingy and whiny to Dahyun, of Mina and Chaeyoung knitting clothes in the comfort of their little bubble and of Tzuyu facetiming Gucci in the living room. It all makes her smile. She's so happy to have them, even when she really doesn't have them anymore. 

But sometimes, when she thinks about it, Sana is filled with a longing so intense she _has _to reach out to someone close. It usually ends up being Mina. Because she's the only one left anyway. The rest of her members, even though they're technically a phone call away, has never felt so distant before. 

Especially…

Sana shakes her head. She doesn't want to think about her_. _So, instead of diving into that heartbreak, she pulls out her phone and checks her members' personal Instagram accounts. They still have their access to Twicetagram but nobody really uses it anymore. Every now and then, when Sana has time to herself, she checks for updates. 

First off, Nayeon. 

Her latest posts are composed mostly of selfies and official snapshots of her life behind the scenes. A couple of them also feature Jihyo and Kookeu, the dog Chaeyoung named for her in less than ten seconds. Sana smiles at the memory before she clicks on the photo of Nayeon and Jihyo sitting in their favorite restaurant back in Seoul. Something is wrong. It doesn't take long for Sana to realize that it's because Jeongyeon isn't there. 

Nayeon's caption reads: **@theimnayeon: despite our busy schedules, we always make time for each other! ****💜**

Under it, Jihyo commented: **@parkjihyo: it was nice seeing you, Nabongs! U still haven't changed ****🐰**

Sana wonders what exactly happened between Nayeon and Jeongyeon. Before they disbanded… no, she doesn't want to think about it. So she forces these thoughts from her brain and moves onto Jeongyeon.

Ah. Her 115. Sana can't help but smile at the memory of her and Jeongyeon constantly switching shoes, even during concerts. It was an inside joke between them. Even when the older girl's feet size got bigger, Sana refused to call her anything else but her 115. As she scrolls through her phone, she sees that Jeongyeon's Instagram isn't as updated as Nayeon's is. Her latest post hails from a few months ago—of her posing with Jihyo's latest album in hand with the caption: **@yoojeong96: I heard that this Park Jihyo's music is good so… ****😏😏** Under it, Jihyo doesn't fail to comment: **@parkjihyo: yah!!! U should become her fansite ****😂**

Sana frowns. It seems that Jihyo is the only thing keeping Nayeon and Jeongyeon connected nowadays. Again, she wonders what happened between them. 

Sana skips Momo's account. It doesn't matter anyway. She's already updated with Momo's posts. But not her personal life. It's been like that for three years now.

The ring on her finger suddenly grows heavier. _We should cherish time, _a voice whispers in her ear. It's supposed to serve as a reminder to be grateful for the present but now that she thinks about it, all she longs for now is the past. 

When she and Momo got their rings so long ago, it felt like disbandment was a lifetime away. Now that it's here and she's living it, Sana can't help but wish that she'd done things differently. If they hadn't—

_No. _

Sana shakes her head and moves on to Jihyo. 

When disbandment neared and JYP sat them all down to talk about their future plans, Sana already had a feeling that out of everybody in the group, Jihyo would be the last to stop doing the idol life. She was only 25 years old at that time. She still had plenty of time and energy to keep pursuing success. Besides, it would’ve been a shame if she stopped then—when they’ve already proven themselves to be the most successful girl group in South Korea. 

Of course Jihyo would pursue a solo career. Sana doesn’t expect anything less. Now that she’s thinking about it, she can’t help but remember what went down months before disbandment.

They were given a choice—to renew or to part ways. 

Only three voted to renew.

Until now, Sana doesn’t know who voted what. It’d been a decision made behind closed doors to ensure no hard feelings would rise. However, judging by the way Tzuyu left the room after JYP announced that TWICE would disband after seven long years together, it was clear that their maknae had wanted everybody to renew as well. The thought makes her ache. Like the memory of an old wound resurfacing, almost like it never left. She knows it never did.

Sana didn’t want to renew. They’ve been through so much in those seven years—she just couldn’t handle the pressure of being part of the nation’s girl group anymore. The constant need to look over her shoulder when they’re out in public, the fear of slipping up and saying something that could be taken out of context during a VLive, wiping away her tears before every concert because she was just _so _tired. She knows that the good will always outweigh the bad but after barely getting any rest and enduring scandal after scandal, she also knows there’s a limit to everything. They had their time in the spotlight. Let some other girl group be in it, for once. 

Sana wonders how Nayeon and Jihyo do it—live their entire lives under the spotlight. She wonders how they can bear the weight of it. Sana thought she was strong enough to handle it but things just got _so _rough after Mina left for her hiatus. Being an idol was both rewarding and cruel. Sana couldn’t blame Mina for wanting time away. 

She moves to Mina’s private account. She rarely updates it. There are only three posts since they disbanded. One of Ray on his death anniversary, another of her and Sana posing for the camera and the latest one is a picture of the ocean with caption: **@myoui_mitang0324: thinking… **About what, Mina? Sana wants to know. But she knows that if she pushes it, Mina will only crawl back into her shell. Still, it’s not like Sana hasn’t noticed Mina not bringing up _one _member’s name ever since they returned home…

Dahyun next. Thinking about her never fails to bring a smile to Sana’s face. She always waits for her episodes to be uploaded online since she can’t tune in on television due to them being in separate countries. Out of all the members, she thinks Dahyun is the only one who hasn’t changed. She still seems to be the same old Dahyun—perfect for variety, perfect for comedy, perfect for making everybody smile. Always the best girl. Her Instagram account is filled with idols who’ve visited her show and some new friends from her workplace. She seems happy. Sana wants to be happy for her. Instead, she’s struck with an emptiness that she knows only Dahyun would be able to fill.

Sana thinks of Chaeyoung next. Her Instagram account is the most colorful one—filled with her usual eye selfies, her ever changing hair color and snapshots of all the places she’s been to. There isn’t a pattern to her posts. She just uploads whatever she likes. Sana smiles as she scrolls through her feed, seeing pictures of the countryside, of their maknae drinking beer at some pub, of her partying with the locals, of her visiting corner shops and grinning broadly at the camera. Sana is _so _proud of her.

Lastly, Tzuyu. Sana always buys magazines when she sees that it's their maknae whose on the front page. Two copies, to be exact. For her and Mina. Her heart soars when she thinks of the small, proud smile on Mina’s face every time Sana shows up to her door with these said magazines. They’ll always be soft for their maknae. A part of Sana wants to reach out and talk to her but a larger part wonders if Tzuyu will ever forgive her when she finds out Sana didn’t vote to renew their contracts. 

As she scrolls through Tzuyu’s Instagram page, she stops. 

There, posted over nearly two months ago, is a picture of all nine of them, a few days after SIXTEEN. It’s nothing new. She’s pretty sure she’s seen it before but it’s Tzuyu’s caption that makes her heart drop and her eyes water.

**@thechoutzuyu: **It’s been ten years since SIXTEEN. Happy anniversary, TWICE and ONCEs! I missed all of you. I hope we can see each other again soon. Please stay healthy and happy all the time! 😄❤️

_Oh, Tzuyu-yah_, Sana thinks to herself, holding the phone close to her heart and willing the tears to stop falling, _I miss you too_. 

* * *

“We’re on in three, two, one...” 

Jihyo watches as the host of the new talk show she was invited to waves at the cameras and greets his audience. It has an unoriginal name—_The Choi Show_—but the host makes up for it with his charm and humor. His name is Choi Junha. He’s fairly young to be a variety host, somewhere in his late twenties, but he’s apparently very good at it. From what Jihyo has heard of him, he treats his guests well. He’s handsome too. She can’t help but think of Daniel.

“We have a very special guest today,” he tells the camera. The only people on set are the variety crew and Jihyo’s managers. It’s a pre-recording, after all. She knows how it goes, what to do, where to stand. The back of her spine suddenly prickles. When she closes her eyes, she can imagine Chaeyoung leaning up on her shoulder and resting her hand on the small of her back. _I’m sleepy, Jihyo-unnie_, the ghost of a memory whispers in her ear. 

_You always are_, her own voice says, full of fondness and affection. 

She hears Chaeyoung’s laugh and her lips pull up into a smile.

“Introducing her new comeback album _Thoughts On You _is none other than Park Jihyo!” Junha calls, clapping his hands. She hears somebody behind her step forward. Probably a crew member trying to guide her to where she needs to go. Another memory resurfaces—Jeongyeon and Sana screeching as they push each other on set and Jihyo getting a headache just by watching them. 

Jihyo opens her eyes. She’s alone. There are no members surrounding her, no Chaeyoung leaning on her shoulder and no Jeongyeon and Sana wreaking havoc. Her heart knows she’ll never get used to the silence that follows her around, remembering a time where she was never given a moment to herself. Before, she used to crave it. It helped her think and write songs. Now, it just reminds her that there is always going to be eight empty spaces next to her. 

Jihyo fakes a bright smile and steps up on stage. 

The entire recording lasts for over two hours. Junha opens the conversation by talking about her latest mini album. _Thoughts On You_, she discusses, relates to the aftermath of important events in people's lives. The lingering feeling of regret and nostalgia, even though you're grateful for everything that's happened. Junha listens attentively, asking the right questions and making up for any awkward lapses. Jihyo is grateful. She can hold a conversation but she'll never be good at variety as Dahyun or Nayeon. 

"It sounds like an album full of memories," Junha comments lightly, leaning back in his seat. The set reminds her of the ones in America where a large table bearing the logo of the talk show separates the host from the guest. Jihyo crosses her legs, placing her hands on her knees. She isn’t wearing a dress—prefers not to when she’s out in public, unless she’s forced to, of course. JYPE has given given her some freedom on a couple of things—her choice of clothes for that matter.

“It is,” Jihyo agrees, thinking about her members, “I think most people know where I got my experience from.”

This is one of the most difficult parts of flying solo after being part of TWICE—the constant reminder she’s alone now. Even before Junha opens his mouth, she already knows what the next question is about. “I know that you probably get asked this question more times than you can imagine,” he says kindly, eyes soft and gentle. She has a feeling he understands _exactly _how she’s feeling; “but my viewers are curious, as is the rest of the country. How are the rest of your members? Do you still talk to them?”

Jihyo knew this question was coming. Since she’s been making her own decisions about her career, she’s decided not to blacklist any talk about TWICE every time she comes on shows or interviews. Other companies would’ve done so—afraid of being constantly compared to the nation’s top girl group. But Jihyo didn’t. She’s so _grateful _for everything her group has given her, despite the gradual fallout. It would’ve felt _so _wrong to not talk about her members, even if she doesn’t really talk to them anymore. Except for the occasional ‘_hi, how are you_?’ or ‘_wow, you look cute_!’ under recent pictures.

The only topic she blacklisted is Daniel. 

“Yes,” she answers, smiling, “I talk to them.”

_Only Nayeon and Jeongyeon, though_, she thinks to herself, feeling her heart ache. She knows why she didn’t reach out to the others. The most radical part of her brain knows that avoiding the rest of her members would have dire consequences but she can’t help but think that it’s all for the best. She doesn’t think she can face them, after what she _did_—

“We recently saw you and Im Nayeon together,” Junha says, “Was that during your tenth anniversary since SIXTEEN?” 

“Ah yes,” Jihyo agrees, “Nayeon and I live in the same city so I thought that we should catch up.”

“How is she?”

Jihyo laughs, shaking her head. “I think we all know how she is,” she says, “There’s literally not a day where we don’t get news of her—she’s always been so hardworking.”

“Yes, an all-around idol indeed,” Junha agrees, checking his notes, “Ever since TWICE disbanded, she’s been modelling, hosting, acting…” 

“She’s always been a little _too _good at everything,” Jihyo comments, unable to hide her smile at the thought of a future Nayeon possibly watching this and glowing with pride at being complimented on National TV, “When we disbanded, I had a feeling that I’d stick to what I know and she’d go and try to be the jack of all trades.” She’s still signed with JYPE, the same way Jihyo is, but she’s been given some freedom over her schedules and activities. Perks of being part of TWICE, Jihyo thinks.

Junha laughs good-naturedly. “I can see how that worked out for you both, considering the two of you are now South Korea’s It Girls,” he remarks. There’s nothing wrong with his statement but for some reason, Jihyo feels an additional weight on her shoulders, the same weight she thought she traded away—

_No_, she tells herself fiercely, _don’t think about that now_. 

“What about the rest of your members?” Junha continues.

Jihyo pretends to think about it, even though she already has her answer prepared. That’s what happens when you get asked the same question so many times over the past three years. “Never better,” she states, forcing another big smile, “They’re all doing their own thing now—things they’ve always been good at and I’ve never felt prouder.” 

She thinks of Jeongyeon taking a step back from idol life and opening up bakeries all around Seoul, of Momo choreographing for smaller groups under another lesser known company, of Sana leaving for Japan and popping up on the news every now and then, of Mina keeping a low profile but being seen around Sana occasionally, of Dahyun maintaining her popularity as a variety host, of Chaeyoung pursuing an art career in Europe and of Tzuyu dominating magazine covers. 

They might not talk anymore but Jihyo keeps track of her members. 

It’s the least she can do, after all.

“I’m glad to hear that, Jihyo-ssi,” Junha says sincerely before he gestures to somebody off-camera, “Anyway, there’s this game we want you to try out…”

It ends up being a TMI game. Jihyo is guided to another part of the set with a chair facing the camera. Then she’s given a box filled with questions written on rolled up paper. On the other side of the set, she spots Junha talking to someone on his in-ear.

The first question is easy enough. “What’s your favorite part of the day?” Jihyo reads out loud, grinning broadly at the camera, “My favorite part… hmm, it’s hard to say. My days are always hectic—sometimes, I can’t keep track of some things. So I’d have to say breakfast! Breakfast is where I usually get briefed on my schedule for that day.” 

Another question. _Dogs or cats_? Jihyo thinks of Tzuyu briefly. “Dogs,” she answers, “I haven’t had one in years but my family owns a couple.” 

Next question. _What’s your favorite hairstyle_? “I went blonde back when I was still in TWICE,” she tells the imaginary audience, thinking about how Nayeon had whined about not looking good in blonde and how Sana couldn’t stop complimenting her hair. It was a good look on her and she still remembers the awe on Daniel’s face when they saw each other for the first time since— 

Jihyo tries not to think about it. “That was my favorite,” she murmurs, thinking about how that year had been particularly tough, “I might try it again.”

Next question, please. _What is your biggest regret_? She reads in silence, pausing when the words fully sink in. Her fingers fold the paper back into its original form, trying to take her time. She knows the studio will just edit out any awkward silences but she doesn’t want to keep them waiting. “What is your biggest regret?” she repeats the question out loud, faking another smile. _So many_, she wants to say but she knows she can’t. The media would be on her ass if she did that. 

_Breaking up with Daniel._

_Going solo so soon after disbandment._

_Promising to_—

“I try not to think about my regrets,” she says, growing serious, “because if I do that, I know I’ll never be happy. So I try to appreciate every little thing that I’ve done with my life. It’s a good life, after all. I get to do what I love the most and I always have my fans and family to support me.” 

Thankfully, the other questions are easy to answer. How she takes her coffee, what she does before going to bed every night, her favorite TV show (Seungyeon-unnie’s, of course!) and other details about her life she knows her fans would want to hear. By the time she’s finished answering her questions, Choi Junha is already back in seat. 

“Thank you for coming to my show today, Jihyo-ssi,” Junha tells her once she returns.

“Thank you for inviting me in the first place,” Jihyo responds, glad it’s finally over. Talking about her members publicly is never easy, unless it’s Nayeon. It’s always been like that. 

Junha turns to the camera then, promoting Jihyo’s new album and basically wrapping up their entire take. She keeps smiling, knowing that if she doesn’t, netizens will pull her apart by spreading rumors and false claims. She knows how idol life works—she’s been a part of it for her entire life, after all.

“Would you like to say anything to the audience?” the host asks. 

Routine. It’s all routine. But Jihyo’s smile is genuine as she turns to the camera, addressing the fans who have continuously supported her, even after she left TWICE behind. “Hi, everyone!” she says, her heart clenching when it’s only her own voice she hears. No more counting down to get their sync right and no infamous ‘_one in a million’ _line spilling past her lips. 

Instead, she waves her hand and says, “I’m Park Jihyo. I’m happy to have been invited on _The Choi Show _to discuss my latest album, my members and my life in general. Stay tuned and listen to _Thoughts On You. _Goodbye! See you around!” 

Isn’t it supposed to get easier? She wonders to herself, unnerved by the silence that follows her words. How come every time she does it, it still feels like another punch to the heart? She’s pretty sure her heart’s all bloodied and battered now. She isn’t used to this—there has _always _been eight other voices blending with her own.

“And cut! That’s a wrap, everybody!” the director calls, clapping his hands. The smile on Jihyo’s face fades as her hand drops to her side. Usually, by now, Momo would gasp dramatically and lean on Sana’s back, whining about wanting to go home so that she can eat and sleep. Or Dahyun would crack up a joke that would make all of them laugh. Sometimes, Mina would walk over to her and rub her arm as a small sign of comfort. But for now, she can only watch as Junha collects his things and stands up.

“Are you okay, Jihyo-ssi?” he asks, looking genuinely concerned. 

Jihyo nods hastily as she spots her managers walking over. “Yes, yes,” she says, rising from her seat and gesturing for them to wait. She bows to Junha. “I really appreciate being invited here.”

“It’s not a problem.” When Junha smiles, his eyes crinkles around the corners. Once again, Jihyo is painfully reminded of Daniel. “We’re glad to have scored an interview with the infamous Park Jihyo.”

“Oh, please.” Jihyo waves away the compliment, rolling her eyes. “I think you’re confusing me with Nayeon.” 

“Trust me,” Junha says slowly, watching her reaction carefully, “I’m not.” 

There’s a pause and Jihyo is taken aback. “I see,” she says, pursing her lips before she lets herself smile again, “Thank you, then.”

“You still looked sad earlier,” Junha comments and the moment is gone, “I assume it’s because of your members. I can’t imagine leaving all that behind, especially when they’ve become your family.” 

An ache starts up in Jihyo’s heart. It reminds her of a leg cramp, one that suddenly flares up in the middle of the night and doesn’t leave until half an hour later. She turns away from Junha’s curious gaze, knowing that he’s only trying to help but also knowing that she doesn’t need it. After all, she’s spent the past three years dealing with her group’s disbandment. She’s perfectly capable of shouldering the burden alone. “I still see them,” she lies, feeling a lump in her throat, “so everything is good.” 

“I know.” Junha takes a step closer and she suddenly feels overwhelmed by his presence. “If you need somebody else to talk to, you know where to find me.” He hands her a slip of paper. She knows, without having to look, that it’s his phone number. 

She takes it, waiting for him to leave, before she crumples it up in her fist. 

_Not now_, she thinks to herself, pushing away the thought of Daniel, _not ever_. 

* * *

Mina wakes up in the dead of night when she hears her stomach rumble. The clock on her phone tells her that it’s 2:54 AM. Nearly the devil’s hour. She snorts at the thought, rising from the bed and rubbing the back of her neck. Her sleeping schedule’s been a little inconsistent the past few days. Sometimes, she finds herself waking up at random intervals in the middle of the night. Other times, she doesn’t even sleep. It makes her think she’s getting bad again. The thought is enough to set her on edge.

Ever since she decided to move to Tokyo a little over a year ago, she’s been trying to get out as much as possible, which is difficult when people can easily recognize her from a mile away. She knew, deep down inside, that if she wanted to be better, she’d have to move away from home. Tokyo was the next best option since Sana was already here. 

Sana has always been there for her. It made sense to go where she was. 

Mina gets up from bed and checks her phone for any notifications. There’s a text from Sana, telling her not to skip meals and get out of the apartment for once. Other than that, nothing. She skips to her notes and finds the usual—a list of things she has to do for the day. Finish an online course on coding, do some grocery shopping, answer some emails, schedule her next one-on-one ballet class and a few other minor things. Every night, she makes sure to update them. She learned a while back that keeping your brain busy helps suppress any unwanted thoughts from resurfacing. And she has _plenty _of them.

As her computer is booting up, Mina changes into a fresh pair of clothes (she showered before she went to bed) and heads to the kitchen to prepare a light meal. Unfortunately, when she takes a look into her fridge, there’s nothing she can cook. The memory of Sana dropping by last week comes to mind and she makes a face. _Right_. Sana showing up out of nowhere and declaring she wanted to bake a cake was something Mina didn’t expect. Therefore, her supplies have run short. 

Her stomach rumbles again, reminding her of the problem at hand. She sighs and grabs her apartment keys from the counter. A quick trip to the convenience store will have to do. It’s the last thing she wants to do at this hour but she’d rather do that than call someone on the phone and order take-out. Hanging on the coat rack by the door is her usual disguise—a black cap and white mask. She puts these on and then finishes her entire look by tucking her hair into her cap and pulling on her hoodie. Hopefully, she won’t get recognized.

_Hopefully_.

There’s a 7/11 store just right next to her apartment. Mina heads down there using the elevator, plugging her earphones in and listening to the latest hits. She smiles when she listens to ITZY’s latest release, quickening her pace once she’s outside. She’s always been proud of their little sisters. Despite tackling many concepts, she can still hear the distinct flavor of their music—one that makes it completely their own. She wonders what they’re doing right now and how they're dealing with the fact their own disbandment is approaching too…

There a couple of kids when she enters the store but they don’t pay her any attention, too busy buying coffee for a late night study session. She ducks her head, heading straight for the fridge at the very back. She picks out two orange-flavored drinks and some egg sandwiches to go. As the minutes slowly drag on, she can’t help but feel like there’s somebody watching her. Brushing it off as her imagination, she stands behind the long line of the same kids buying their coffee. To pass the time, she checks her messages.

The only people she talks to nowadays are Sana and Chaeyoung. The first is Sana because she knows if she doesn’t reply, then the older girl will come storming straight into her apartment and making herself at home. The second is Chaeyoung because they’re both awake at the same time and Chaeyoung never asks about the others. She knows not to. Apparently, Mina isn’t the only one running away from something. 

She scrolls down the messages and stops when she comes across Dahyun’s name. Her throat clogs up. The last time Mina replied to her was over a year ago, when she was still trying her hardest to keep track of her members without talking to them all the time. Unfortunately, since she refused to return to South Korea and Dahyun was starting to get busier with her show, they fell out of touch as well. Now, Mina is too embarrassed and guilty to reply to any of her messages, knowing that if she had tried a little harder, maybe they’d still be talking. 

Dahyun doesn’t deserve this. 

**[February 02, 2024]**

**From: Dahyunnie ** **🦅**

Its Jihyos bday today!!! Did u greet her??

**Read at 8:09 AM**

**[March 15, 2024]**

**From: Dahyunnie ** **🦅**

I saw tzuyu today!! We came across each other at the mall

**Read at 5:32 PM**

**From: Dahyunnie ** **🦅**

She really misses u unnie :(((

**Read at 5:41 PM**

**From: Dahyunnie ** **🦅**

Pls let me know if u plan on coming back!! I’ll even pick u up from the airport!!

**Read at 5:50 PM**

**[March 24, 2024]**

**From: Dahyunnie ** **🦅**

I don’t know if u’re still using this number but

**Read at 12:01 AM**

**From: Dahyunnie ** **🦅**

Happy birthday Mina-chan!!!! 💚

**Read at 12:05 AM**

**From: Dahyunnie ** **🦅**

I miss you and I love you! I hope u’ll have a swag day today hehe

**Read at 12:07 AM**

**[April 23, 2024]**

**From: Dahyunnie ** **🦅**

Its Chaeng’s bday!!! :DD 

**Read at 4:57 AM**

**From: Dahyunnie ** **🦅**

Well technically its still tomorrow but i hope u greeted her!!!

**Read at 4:57 AM**

**[June 14, 2024]**

**From: Dahyunnie ** **🦅**

I caught up with tzuyu today!!! Its her birthday!!! Wow i cant believe our maknae is all grown up it really makes me think about how time has flown by :((((

**Read at 6:43 PM**

**From: Dahyunnie ** **🦅**

She told me to tell u that she misses u Minari!!! I hope we’ll see each other soon!! Its been too long i think im starting to forget what u look like lol :D

**Read at 6:52 PM**

Even until now, despite Mina never replying, Dahyun still sends her messages. With each one she receives, Mina always wants to reply back. But then a part of her brain always reminds her that she should’ve done so with the previous messages. It’s better to not reply than to reply late, right? Dahyun already probably thinks so lowly of her, reading her messages but not even bothering to type back. She didn’t even say anything on her birthday last year...

Mina checks her most recent message from the younger girl. It’s dated a few weeks ago—back in July this year. 

**From: Dahyunnie ** **🦅**

I miss u all 

**Read at 7:50 AM**

Mina pockets her phone when she reaches the counter. A man in his early twenties smiles politely at her as she passes over her items. It’s quiet as he scans the juice and the sandwiches. And yet, she can’t shake off the feeling that she’s being watched again. Rubbing the back of her neck and ignoring the uneasiness in her stomach, she pays for her food and leaves the store—

—only to bump straight into a tall figure blocking the exit. 

“Hey, hey,” he says, reaching out to grip her arms to stop her from falling.

Mina’s heart thunders painfully inside her ribcage. She hastily steps back, pulling on the hood that’s fallen from her head. It’s too late, though. The man utters a small noise of recognition and she knows she’s been found out. It’s enough to immediately put her on edge, her chest tightening at what she has to say next. She didn’t bother to hire her own bodyguards like Sana did but now she wishes she had. 

“I knew you looked familiar,” the man says, sounding very excited, “I recognized that hoodie from one of your airport pictures!”

Mina swallows. She chances a glance at the man—he seems to be friendly enough with short dark hair, thick-framed glasses and a large smile. They seem to be around the same age. Still, she has to crane her neck up to see his face. Even then, she can’t meet his eyes. 

“Hi,” she says because what else is she supposed to say? She’s never been alone with fans before. There were always people around, always a member’s hand to hold, always a bodyguard to rely on behind her. Don’t get her wrong—she loves her fans more than anything else in the world but the rising panic in her chest doesn’t subside one bit. She remembers that one time a crazed fan caught wind of her dating rumors with BamBam...

“I’m a huge ONCE,” the man tells her and it’s only then that Mina realizes he’s speaking to her in Korean, “This is my first time in Japan and I heard that you lived around the area. I didn’t think I’d actually get to see you!” 

Mina smiles politely, taking another step back to establish some space between them. They were standing too close it was starting to make her nervous. The man must realize this because he quickly raises his hands in an apologetic manner. 

“I’m sorry,” he says, sounding very sincere, “I know that you haven’t been around lately but I just—I’m very happy to see you again, Mina-noona.” 

This manages to calm her down somewhat. She glances around the area, sees that its empty and pulls down her face mask. “Is there anything I can do for you?” she asks. 

The man’s face breaks out into a wide, happy smile. He pulls out something from his messenger back and hands Mina a letter. “My name is Han Minjoo,” he says, “and it would really mean a lot to me if you kept this. I never got the chance to go to any of your concerts or fanmeets but I hope I’m not too late…” 

“It’s okay,” Mina says, smiling at him, “I understand.” She takes the letter and she can already feel the thickness of its content through the cover. 

“I’ve always wanted to tell you how much you’ve inspired me,” Minjoo tells her and she looks up, startled by this confession, “When you went into hiatus but still joined the group’s activities, it really made me think about my own life. You see, I had depression for several years and it wasn’t getting anywhere. But when I saw you trying really hard, despite how difficult it must’ve been, you helped me reach out to a professional.”

Mina doesn’t know what to say. She’s always read and listened to fans telling her how TWICE has changed their lives but it never gets easier with each person. How do people deal with being told they’re an inspiration? Or that they’re idols worth looking up to? She looks at Minjoo’s kind and tearful expression and she wants to cry as well. She is once again reminded that being part of TWICE was one of the best and worst things to have happened to her.

Of course, she achieved her dream but it was always for a price—nothing is ever free in this world, after all. The years just kept getting harder and harder. After her hiatus, things were never the same again.

For some reason, she feels like a phony standing in front of Han Minjoo. How can she accept his gratitude for being his inspiration when she doesn’t feel like one in the first place? 

“You don’t need to thank me,” she says quietly, clutching the letter close to her heart, “I was just a person singing songs and dancing on stage.”

“You’re more than that to me,” Minjoo says, his smile never wavering. He looks at her like she was the one who put stars in the night sky. This makes Mina feel worse about herself.

(_You don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve this_.) 

“Thank you,” she murmurs, trying very hard to keep the tears in, “I’m sorry that I disappeared from the public. I know that I shouldn’t have. The other members are still out there, of course. It’s just—”

Minjoo surprises her by laying a gentle hand on her arm. She jolts but doesn’t push him away, the words dying in her throat. “It’s okay,” he says, “you don’t have to explain anything to me, noona. You have your own life now. TWICE may have disbanded already but that doesn’t mean people don’t love you anymore.” 

The raging thoughts in Mina’s head stop. “Thank you,” she says again, meaning it with every ounce of her being, “ONCE with us together…”

Minjoo’s smile widen, finishing the line: “Everything is alright forever.”

Later, he asks for a picture together and promises not to upload it online. Mina trusts him. It’s probably a mistake to do so. If people ever find out where she really lives, it could spell trouble for her. She doesn’t put away the letter, keeping it clutched in her hands, even as Minjoo walks away and she returns to her apartment. Despite him telling her how much she’s inspired him, her self-loathing thoughts are relentless. 

(_You don’t deserve this_.)

Mina has never been as strong as the rest of her members. Everybody was going through a tough time when they were all still together. She was the one who took a break. She was the one who couldn’t handle it. She was the reason 2019 was such a terrible year for them. Watching all of them cry in fancams when she left made her feel like the worst person in the entire world. They didn’t deserve that—they didn’t deserve any of it. Remembering all of this now, even though this happened _years _ago, is enough to break the wall she’s been desperately trying to pull up. 

She’s always been _so _weak...

Once she’s inside the confines of her apartment, she sinks to her knees by the door and wraps her arms around herself. The letter falls from her grip and sits there on the floor between her legs. She needs help. She should reach out to her therapist soon. Her heart rate quickens inside her chest, tears rapidly fill her eyes and her hands start to shake. When she inhales, it feels like there are flames licking up her chest. 

She grabs her phone from inside her hoodie and quickly dials the one person she can rely on in times like this. 

Thankfully, she picks up at the second ring. “Hello?”

“Chaeyoung-ah?” Mina sniffles, palms pressed against her eyes, “It’s me, Mina…” 

“Hey, hey, are you okay?” Almost at once, Chaeyoung’s voice is filled with worry and Mina feels bad for needlessly worrying her when she’s in Europe, enjoying the sights and culture. She doesn’t need to carry Mina’s burden. They’re disbanded, after all. There is no obligation to take care of her…

“I just—” Mina takes a deep breath, grateful that Chaeyoung doesn’t say anything else, “I needed to hear somebody else’s voice… other than the one in my head.” 

“Okay.” 

“Can you…?” 

“I’ll tell you about my day, how about that?” Chaeyoung suggests helpfully. She doesn’t sound too put off by this but Mina has to wonder if she ever gets tired of being the one to shoulder Mina’s burdens. The two of them have always understood each other in ways nobody else could. It’s something Mina can’t explain—even ten years later. 

“Okay,” Mina responds, holding the phone close by her ear, “That sounds good.”

“Then when I’m done, I’ll be here to listen to you, okay?” 

“Okay.”

Chaeyoung tells her about her day and Mina listens.

Slowly but surely, the voice in her head stills. It’s gone for now. But a part of her knows it will come back sooner rather than later. It always does, after all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. Thoughts On You is a real Sahyo fanfic written by my good friend Minirainbow. Consider it a shout-out!
> 
> You can read it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20086534


	3. Author's Note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.

Hello, ONCEs! 

As you all know, I began this fic back in 2019 and I haven't updated it ever since. I had lots of plans for this one and I had all the details lined up and everything but recently, I've been feeling a bit of negativity (okay, not a bit but A LOT) from the fandom towards fic writers. I understand that people feel iffy when it comes to real people fic. I was like that too. I know what goes on in your head. But for me, this is nothing more than fiction. It's just a way to entertain ourselves, especially we don't get a lot of mainstream female-to-female representation in the media. I just want people to understand that this is just fanfic. Nothing more, nothing less.

Because of the negativity that I've been feeling, I've decided to abandon this fic. Since this fic deals with disbandment, I don't want people to think that this is what I think happens behind closed doors. Clearly, it's not. It's just a fic. Fanfiction. FICTION. Nothing is real. I know that not everybody is like that but still, ever since April last year, I've had a difficult time being truly comfortable with writing for TWICE. It's an issue that I'm trying to fix. I've been silently watching my other TWICE fic authors leaving as well because they weren't happy with writing for TWICE anymore. It pains me to see it and I don't want to do that. But I do believe that I need some time away from Stan Twitter, even though I'm barely on there anyway. 

I'm not going to stop writing for TWICE.

But I'm going to stop writing this disbandment fic. It hits too close for home. I don't want to paint a target on my back. 

If you want to know what happens next, please let me know in the comment section below. Even though the story barely started, I already had it planned out. I can post another update explaining what was supposed to happen. I think you guys deserve that much. 

I'm really sorry for this but I hope that you can understand. 

I don't know when I'll be back to my old self. 

Happy 2021, everybody. I hope it's kinder this time around.

Love, 

Mia

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me your thoughts! 
> 
> https://curiouscat.me/miabasher4lyf
> 
> Also, you can find updates on the fic through my Twitter: @miabasher4lyf


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